A letter to the best friend of someone with depression

It can’t be easy to be friends with us. To have found your ‘person’, your most trusted and honest confidant and to always wonder and perhaps wait for the day we don’t answer your phone call, the door, your text. To watch for those inexplicable moments when in mid-laugh the life begins to drain from…

18 things I learned about depression in 2018 (good and bad)

For better or for worse, depression and I seem destined to be together for a while longer if not forever. It is a miraculous teacher of life lessons, especially when you find yourself in the midst of a major depressive episode that spans many months that folds into dysthymia (or persistent depressive disorder if you…

‘Tis the hardest most hopeful season

‘Tis the season for so many things. The holiday season is unique in its ability to bring profound joy and profound sadness, sometimes one minute after another. There is something about this season that brings so many decades of memories to the surface, and the older you get the more memories you have to unearth….

Too soon.

I’ve always had at least one cat, and for the past seven years I ended up with four through a series of events. Pets are a lifeline for so many, including myself. In my darkest and most alone moments, they have been a lifeline. Non-judgemental and unconditional, you’re their human (because let’s be honest, they…

My depression, my reality, my experience.

I haven’t written a good-bye letter since I was a teenager. When I was first diagnosed with depression in my early teens, and for most of my teenage years, I always had letters written ready to try to explain in anticipation that the clock was running out. I know there is no explanation that could…

The reality and enormity of the problem

In July 2018, depression nearly took my life. I don’t say that flippantly and metaphorically. In my 25 year battle with major depression, I have never been as sure as I was that this time I truly was not going to make it out of the depressive episode I found myself in, in anything other…

Today, I lived.

Today, I lived. I made it from sun up to sun down. I did all I should do in my professional adult life and was all that I needed to be for those around me. Today, I lived because leaving can’t be an option though it occupies my every thought. My strategy for living each…

The “reach out” conundrum of mental illness

It never fails. For one reason, be it celebrity or otherwise, a suicide hits the news or social media and immediately the stream of “please reach out if you’re struggling” starts filling the Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or other news feeds. It is all with the best of intentions, for that I have no doubt; however,…

Anatomy and physiology of a panic attack.

It is an unmistakable feeling, the rise of a panic attack. As if creeping up from the shadows I suddenly start to feel those telltale signs which together signal a descent is coming. My heart starts to beat faster and louder to where I can feel it in my fingertips. My face starts to feel…

Irrational fears and trivial anxieties

It is truly strange where the mind decides to put its efforts to induce anxiety and panic attacks. There are certain mundane daily tasks that I must do in the run of the day as an adult that I find very difficult for reasons that are inexplicable to anyone – even myself. These tasks take…

The rise and fall of the nervous breakdown.

I always worry when I get the feeling that I need to write. Over the years I’ve tried to write when times are okay or even, dare I say it, good – but there are just never any words I’m interested in putting down on the page. I’m not sure why. When I start feeling…

I am out with lanterns looking for myself.

I haven’t blogged in a long time. Since I started this blog about 4 years ago these stretches have happened a number of times and they always occur for one of two reasons, either I’m doing well and not thinking about my mental health and therefore have nothing to blog about, or the more likely,…