My depression, my reality, my experience.

I haven’t written a good-bye letter since I was a teenager. When I was first diagnosed with depression in my early teens, and for most of my teenage years, I always had letters written ready to try to explain in anticipation that the clock was running out. I know there is no explanation that could…

The reality and enormity of the problem

In July 2018, depression nearly took my life. I don’t say that flippantly and metaphorically. In my 25 year battle with major depression, I have never been as sure as I was that this time I truly was not going to make it out of the depressive episode I found myself in, in anything other…

Today, I lived.

Today, I lived. I made it from sun up to sun down. I did all I should do in my professional adult life and was all that I needed to be for those around me. Today, I lived because leaving can’t be an option though it occupies my every thought. My strategy for living each…

The “reach out” conundrum of mental illness

It never fails. For one reason, be it celebrity or otherwise, a suicide hits the news or social media and immediately the stream of “please reach out if you’re struggling” starts filling the Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or other news feeds. It is all with the best of intentions, for that I have no doubt; however,…

Anatomy and physiology of a panic attack.

It is an unmistakable feeling, the rise of a panic attack. As if creeping up from the shadows I suddenly start to feel those telltale signs which together signal a descent is coming. My heart starts to beat faster and louder to where I can feel it in my fingertips. My face starts to feel…

Irrational fears and trivial anxieties

It is truly strange where the mind decides to put its efforts to induce anxiety and panic attacks. There are certain mundane daily tasks that I must do in the run of the day as an adult that I find very difficult for reasons that are inexplicable to anyone – even myself. These tasks take…

The rise and fall of the nervous breakdown.

I always worry when I get the feeling that I need to write. Over the years I’ve tried to write when times are okay or even, dare I say it, good – but there are just never any words I’m interested in putting down on the page. I’m not sure why. When I start feeling…

I am out with lanterns looking for myself.

I haven’t blogged in a long time. Since I started this blog about 4 years ago these stretches have happened a number of times and they always occur for one of two reasons, either I’m doing well and not thinking about my mental health and therefore have nothing to blog about, or the more likely,…

The lies we tell to make it through.

Sometimes, I just get tired. Not physically tired or even mentally tired, those are nothing new to me but just tired of not being able to say ‘I’m okay’ and actually meaning it. Tired of not knowing  how depression will affect my future, how many days/months/weeks/years I have ahead of me where I just have…

Life, Loss and Living

It is inevitable. You will lose some or all of those closest to you at some point along the journey, just as others will lose you at some point. Life, at least as we know it here on earth (the rest would be another post entirely) is a finite time. Losing someone is not unique,…

The curse of high functioning depression

As I’ve travelled along in my life I’ve come to realize that there is a significant profile of people who have suffered tremendously at the mercy of their depressive brains who have good jobs, seldom miss a day of work, achieve heights and goals impressive to their peers, look put together, smile often, and laugh even more.

Photo Challenge: Resilient

2016 has been widely publicized as perhaps not the best year overall in human evolutionary history. Every time we turned around there was another death of a music/acting icon it seemed, and there was no shortage in the world of immense suffering in the form of war, natural disaster and simple human acts of cruelty…